There is probably nothing more stressful and scary than the feeling of not having control. Most of us have reacted in some way (anger, sadness, anxiety) when we felt that we did not have control over a situation, others, and/or ourselves. The need for control is so deeply conditioned within us that we may not have ever really lifted the veil to see what’s behind it. Therefore, it may be helpful to take a step back and examine why we desire to have control in the first place.
Why do we want control? We want to control situations and people (including ourselves) because we want to control the outcome. If we didn’t care about the outcome, why would we want to control the situation, process, or people involved?
So the question becomes, “why do we want to control the outcome?” Have you ever asked yourself that? Why do we want things to turn out a certain way? Why do we want people to respond or behave a certain way?
If we investigate this question with curiosity and honesty, we realize that we want to control the outcome because we firmly believe that the outcome is desirable and good for us. We are convinced that a particular outcome, whether it’s related to a work project, personal situation, or community concern, is most ideal and should be attained at all costs.
But is that really true? Have you ever gotten what you wanted (i.e., got the outcome you desired), only to realize it wasn’t as great as you thought it was? Or that the good feeling that came with getting what you wanted only lasted a short time? Conversely, can you think of a time when you didn’t get what you wanted, or even got the opposite of what you wanted, but it turned out to be a “blessing in disguise?”
So do we ever really know what outcome is truly the best for us? The truth is, we don’t really know.
Recognizing and admitting that to ourselves can be quite liberating. If we don’t truly know what the best outcome is, perhaps there is no need to control the outcome and the situation, process, and people involved (to say nothing of our actual ability to do so)!
Next time we find ourselves feeling the need to have control, that is a good opportunity to practice mindfulness. Nonjudgment means letting go of any preconceived notions of how things should be, and whether any one particular outcome is superior to another. After letting go of our ideas about how things and people should be, we can bring our awareness back to the here-and-now and perceive things just as they are in this very moment. Then we can see clearly and hear clearly what is right in front of us. With that clarity, we can choose a course of action is most appropriate for the moment, without pre-judgment of what the outcome should be. Although we may not always have control, we always have that choice – the choice to let go of our judgment and expectations, and return to this moment.
Mindfulness FAQ 