How Do I Work with Someone I Don’t Like?

We have all likes and dislikes. There are certain kinds of food that we like, and certain kinds of food that we dislike. That’s usually not too much of a problem, because we can typically avoid the food we dislike.

But what about people? There are certain kinds of people that we like, and certain kinds that we dislike. People that we dislike can be a bit more problematic, because we might not always be able to avoid them.

If you are like me, you most likely have some people in your life that you don’t necessary adore. They may be relatives, neighbors, or coworkers. As much as we try to avoid them, sometimes we end up getting stuck with them. Perhaps a teammate at work really annoys you and pushes your buttons. You’d rather not have to deal with them at all, but you have to work with them because you are on the same team. Having to be around and having to interact with someone we dislike can be very stressful!

How do we work with someone that we dislike? It starts with being willing to work with the reactions that this person brings up inside of us. It involves making a shift from blaming the other person to taking a good look at ourselves. It is not about intellectualizing who’s right and who’s wrong. It is about taking a pause and examining the feelings that are arising when we feel annoyed, irritated, or offended by this person that we dislike.

What is this experience of “dislike?” If we interrupt our habitual tendency to criticize others, and instead investigate our own reaction, we might learn something about ourselves. Mindfulness practice strengthens our ability to do this work. When a reaction arises, we can become aware of it, notice the thoughts (“he is such a jerk”) and bodily sensations (e.g. tightness in the chest, shallow breathing) that we are experiencing, and hold them in awareness with compassion.

Why bother doing this work? Because this work allows us to discover the root of our dislikes and, by seeing them clearly, loosen ourselves from its tenacious grip. What would it be like to not be controlled by our likes and dislikes? If we have bit more freedom from our dislike of others, we don’t experience as much stress from having to work with them. We might even have some compassion for them, and have the space to offer them some kindness! That is a drastically different approach to life than the reactive and defensive one dominated by likes and dislikes.